Today I write about nothing. About doing nothing, knowing nothing, wanting nothing and being nothing.
In the beginning
nothingness was horrifying, like an open monstrous abyss. I could not even look there and relieved myself by keeping myself busy, in the safe space.
It is very hard to do nothing. I am not always doing nothing, of course, and many people share the amazing impression that I am doing a lot, which is not true to me at all. There are days with no single appointment in my calendar. No special duty either, except getting up, brushing teeth and getting dressed. There are those nothing days. When I get a call (which happens sometimes), people ask: „how are you, am I disturbing you, are you stressed?“ And I have to admit: „No! I am not stressed. Actually I am doing nothing right now. You don’t disturb me at all“. I feel guilty, a little bit. At least I think I am not stressing others around me. This seems to be a valuable contribution. Maybe not.
Because how can you not be stressed? Don’t you have clients? Hobbies? Help someone? Be useful for others? Yoga, at least? Being stressed is the normal state of being for most people. Because they are. We get hooked on being busy, all the time. Being stressed, not having time for love, for kids, for oneself, for what people love is more acceptable than doing nothing.
Since I decided that doing nothing is OK, my life has fundamentally shifted. With nothingness, other nothings appeared. The freedom to know nothing, to buy nothing and to want nothing. And to be nothing! It may sound weird, but this is where I found freedom and peace. Because if you are nothing, there is nothing to lose. There is nothing to hold on to, nothing to do, nowhere to go. It is totally beyond everything.
It took time: I started to face empty nothingness and after (a tough) while I started to just be with it, without devaluating myself anymore. I sticked with the anxiety and the dark thoughts as well as all kind of difficult emotions. Over time nothingness transformed into space and into a sea of possibilities: something emerged out of the nothing. These somethings were new thoughts, ideas, insights, joy, peace, anxieties. A mix of feelings, sensations, thoughts. They just showed up, as if they had waited for a space to arise in. Or not. Sometimes nothing emerged out of nothing.
These nothing somethings inspire me. Not in a way that I am doing more, but doing and being differently. It seems to me that I am much more effective now. The way I work with clients shifted, fundamentally. The way I think and talk and my being with people has shifted. Deeper, slower and wider. Sometimes I wish we were OK to do what we are. Nothing.