When I was a kid I was playing around all the time, like all kids. And I was singing, dancing, performing in front of nobody, I imagined myself to be a musical star. When I was 10, I got on my parents nerves day and night until they agreed to hire a private piano teacher for me. I practiced every day for one hour for many years, without my parents ever having to encourage me. I wanted to achieve a certain level of mastery so that I could enjoy making music, which I did. I went to ballet twice a week until I saw “A chorus line” and “Body Dynamic” opened, the famous jazz dance studio and we all started to Jazz Dance (80ies). I was really not a great jazz dancer, too tall and unable to remember a longer choreography, but I got through it. I loved it.
I was proud to become one of the youngest members of our school-famous school choire, I was a talented and passionate singer. We gave concerts and we toured through Europe, we participated in competitions. We were singing all the time while riding the bus for hours.
Later I joined a professional choire, the “Jeunesse Chor”. We performed on big stages, with Opera singers, I will never forget when we performed “Norma” with Grace Bumbry. I was hardly able to sing, I was so touched by the beauty of her voice and the singing of the choire.
I loved to go to clubs and parties, but not to drink and talk, but to dance and dance. I was always the first and the last on the dance floor. In the summer of 1995 I spent the summer in New York and I went to the clubs almost every night just to dance and dance and dance. I was in heaven, the music, the people, the energy. Music and dancing, my drugs. I was a party girls, that didn’t like parties, but the dance and to move. I never was too much into sports, but I loved the sense of freedom and connectedness when I was part of a dance floor.
In the mornings I used to turn on the music as loud as somehow possible and danced and sang like noone was watching and listening (while noone was watching and listening).
Later I took some private singing lessons. I was even recording some songs. Music was my way of dealing with sadness, loneliness, strong emotions. When I was at my piano, when I was singing, I felt safe, I felt happy, I felt connected and I was happy.
For a short time I was lead singer in a band of consultants, we performed at parties and rocked the stage.
This was all years ago. Now I find myself in a situation, where I hardly ever dance. Jazz dance became Yoga and Pilates maybe. My piano lives now at my sister’s and my niece is playing it in a wonderful way. I have a electronic piano that sits lonely with some dust on it in our country house. Well, I sing from time to time in the car. On my own, or with my husband. Very rarely. And I miss it.
And it is not that my life is depressing or boring, on the contrary, I enjoy it fully, it is unfolding in an unexpectedly great way and all that I dreamed of has already or is being manifested in a wonderful form. Yet, there is something missing and now I know what it is, because I watched that stupid talent show Große Chance with all different choire formations. I saw all these people singing and dancing with joy and I found myself with big crocodile tears in my eyes. I realized that I have lost this part of my life. Where has my singing gone? My dancing? My playing? My piano? The energy? The joy?
What stopped me following up with all these things, that give me deep joy and Lebensfreude? Why don’t I dance anymore how I used to? Where did the groove go? Why did all the other things become so important? When did I start to be more serious, laugh less and stop singing? Where has the playing and performing gone?
I want it back. Right now. What could be more important?
This is me singing.. if you want to know how that sounds 🙂