My whole life, I suffered from contradicting feelings, wishes, thoughts and goals that showed up at the VERY SAME time. I want stay and to leave, to speak and to listen, to do this and that. All at the same time. I can deeply hate and totally love the same person.
I felt confused and oftentimes incoherent with a lack of integrity towards my own feelings. Even worse, people would tell me: You are so inconsistent.
Integration is not the solution
We live in a paradigm of integration – everything needs to be integrated. We need to learn, to integrate contradicting feelings, to sustain ambiguity, and to suspend one or the other. No sharp edges, no hard cuts, no clear boundaries.
Sorry. No, that does not work for me. Integration for me feels like YES, being with all of these feelings and sensations, but NO while still not understanding why they show up in this or that way and how to work through them. In the past, it was not at all satisfying to me, a foul compromise, a buzz word people used in order to avoid an upcoming question they couldn’t properly answer.
But then something happened, one sunny day when I was walking the streets of San Francisco. I just happened to be returning from my biofield tuning weekend, where I had learned how to work with the electromagnetic field surrounding the human body. My teacher told us that in every session a different layer of information shows up, depending on what is relevant at the moment.
All of a sudden, I was struck by a thought, and I am quite sure this was some information from outside… it felt like having access to some universal knowledge and wisdom, rather than some insight created inside myself (wherever that might be anyway).
And the thought was the following:
Every thought, every choice, every feeling, every desire shows up in a different, separate layer (or field), and within that layer it is perfectly consistent. As there are different layers present at the same time, they might, can or will feel inconsistent – but ONLY IF YOU TRY TO INTEGRATE THEM. If you accept that they show up on a different level, layer or field, you understand that they are not contradictory at all, but rather consistent within their own territory.
Actually, what our mind does is to assume that everything shows up on the same layer, and this is why it seems to be inconsistent.
So, what we need to do is the opposite: DISTINGUISHING, NOT INTEGRATING. What a relief.
Ever since this thought came to my mind, I have stopped being concerned and confused about contradicting sensations. I have developed a practice of distinguishing sensations and identifying the layers in which they appear.
Like the layers of snow in the picture: each layer has a different quality of snow and crystals, holding different information of the time it fell (humidity, energy, wind, temperature, quality of time..). Alltogether for lay people it is a big junk of snow, still snow etc, beautiful, and together it forms that thick cover of snow on the cabin in the Austrian mountains we all know and refer to as perfect. If you don’t pay attention you think it might be all one and all the same. But experts in snow will read the layers and tell us everything about it, from avalanche danger, moving patterns and behavior, skiing conditions to igloo building options and so on. So it allows them to act powerful in that environment. Similarly, I learned how to distinguish and read the layers and phenomena that are likely to show up within them.
As I am now increasingly able to distinguish which layer gets more relevance and energy it enables me to make conscious choices, therefor decisions appear clearly and easily. I have come to understand that unhappiness and happiness can be both true simultaneously, depending on the layer I consider; being certain and uncertain at the same time does not assume something mashy in between. Both feelings are valid, both are there and both have a right to be there. Nothing to be fixed, changed or compartmentalized (separated). Just being aware about the qualities and properties of the layers makes the complete difference. I can be whole, coherent, powerful and have integrity while experiencing all of that right now.
For me, this was a life changing experience which turned into a daily practice and that is why I would like to share it with you.